I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
