my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
