Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
