I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
