I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
