I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
