i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize