note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
