the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize