dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
there was a trapeze. enough said
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
