i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
