I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
