why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
