You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
