in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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