Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize