If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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