So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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