wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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