then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
