Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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