it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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