conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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