There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
