dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
