just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
