So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
two words: eviction party
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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