The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize