My first STD was from a foam party
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
