1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
