Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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