Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
