matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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