So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
