I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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