Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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