margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
