Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
