i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
