next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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