I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
