You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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