The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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