My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
