Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
