Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize