never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
