I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize