I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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