sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
