It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
