when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
