Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
