Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
