Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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