u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
