she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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