Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize