If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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