i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
